Dropping 11yo off at school.
11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.
Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.
11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
7yr old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, “You have to have a backstory to why you’re evil, right?” And walked out.
I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”
7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”
If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.
“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter
How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.
“Please add your phone number to secure your acct.”
Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.
Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.