*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Not all heroes wear capes.