@kellyoxford

Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@kellyoxford

7yr old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, “You have to have a backstory to why you’re evil, right?” And walked out.

@kellyoxford

I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”

@kellyoxford

7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”

@kellyoxford

If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.

@kellyoxford

“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter

@kellyoxford

Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.

@kellyoxford

“Please add your phone number to secure your acct.”
Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.

@kellyoxford

Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.