@kellysdf

According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”

@kellysdf

I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.

@kellysdf

It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.

@kellysdf

Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.

@kellysdf

Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.

@kellysdf

Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”

@kellysdf

Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.

@kellysdf

All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.

@kellysdf

Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.