If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
where the womens at?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”