[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers