Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Wait a second…
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.