[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.