I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date