I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?