Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Damn what did I do next
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.