Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I think I’ll stand
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad