Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
any last words?
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.