Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.