*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Looking at you, Jesus.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.