ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
same bro
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
What if the weather talks about us?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first