We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*