Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
The devil.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.