Angel : So how’s it going down there

God: They’ve created something called a ‘five day work week’

Angel: That sounds terrible

God: Oh it is, I literally couldn’t think of something worse and I once turned a woman into a salt lick lmao


Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much


Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call


Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days


Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately


Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone