me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
jesus, what did this guy do
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler