@kiiimdaaa

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

@kiiimdaaa

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

@kiiimdaaa

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

@kiiimdaaa

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

@kiiimdaaa

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

@kiiimdaaa

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.