I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?