Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
This bar smells like my childhood.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“What movie?” 🤔
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.