I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark