Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
One of the best
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
my fav colour is also hitler
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?