can’t talk my ride’s here
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
humans only use 10% of their treadmills