Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.