My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.