@kimtopher22

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

@kimtopher22

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

@kimtopher22

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

@kimtopher22

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

@kimtopher22

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

@kimtopher22

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

@kimtopher22

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

@kimtopher22

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

@kimtopher22

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

@kimtopher22

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.