Funny Tweeter

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Page of kimtopher22's best tweets

@kimtopher22 : Like my mama always said, "May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you're dead."

@kimtopher22: My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

@kimtopher22: I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

@kimtopher22: I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

@kimtopher22: My sunglasses are always prescription so if they're stolen, it becomes two idiots who can't see.

@kimtopher22: There's a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it's acid reflux, carry on.

@kimtopher22: My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don't think my children ever learned that.

@kimtopher22: I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

@kimtopher22: "We no longer use straws," he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. "They're bad for the environment."

@kimtopher22: People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.