@kimtopher22

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

@kimtopher22

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

@kimtopher22

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

@kimtopher22

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

@kimtopher22

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

@kimtopher22

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

@kimtopher22

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

@kimtopher22

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

@kimtopher22

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

@kimtopher22

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.