Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of kimtopher22's best tweets

@kimtopher22 : How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you've forgotten you own.

@kimtopher22: Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

@kimtopher22: Some generations will never know having to drive by someone's house to see if they're home.

@kimtopher22: A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I'll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it's not motion activated.

@kimtopher22: "I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber" and other sad tales of city living.

@kimtopher22: A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

@kimtopher22: My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He's brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

@kimtopher22: I'm whitening my teeth while I bake so I don't eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

@kimtopher22: I'm sporting Cameron Diaz' *Something About Mary" hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

@kimtopher22: My neighbor accidentally called me "love" in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.