Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of kimtopher22's best tweets

@kimtopher22 : "I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber" and other sad tales of city living.

@kimtopher22: A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

@kimtopher22: My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He's brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
How does one make tacos.

@kimtopher22: I'm whitening my teeth while I bake so I don't eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

@kimtopher22: I'm sporting Cameron Diaz' *Something About Mary" hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

@kimtopher22: My neighbor accidentally called me "love" in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

@kimtopher22: Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.

@kimtopher22: I don't lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they're welcome to it.

@kimtopher22: Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream "WITCH" as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

@kimtopher22: I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.