Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of kimtopher22's best tweets

@kimtopher22 : Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.

@kimtopher22: I don't lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they're welcome to it.

@kimtopher22: Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream "WITCH" as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

@kimtopher22: I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

@kimtopher22: My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He's 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn't get better.

@kimtopher22: Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It's nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

@kimtopher22: I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say "I don't know, do you THINK I look fat?"

@kimtopher22: I hope my friends don't notice that I'm taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

@kimtopher22: When you were young, Adele? You're 28.

Shut the hell up.

@kimtopher22: Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.