Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Jogging
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me