The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
What
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied