This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.