Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
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Scream sneezers need love too.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head