@kiralc

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

@kiralc

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

@kiralc

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

@kiralc

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

@kiralc

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards