dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]