a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
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Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar