@kivtur

Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@kivtur

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

@kivtur

Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.