Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Whoa 😂
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Simple
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!