*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
You Might Also Like
Is this a threat?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth