Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
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fixed it
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
How to make infinite energy.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.