Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
You Might Also Like
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…