i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM