Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.