“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Happy thanksgiving
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.