”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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Oops
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley