Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!