Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing