Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
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Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering