[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Monica just destroyed the internet
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
#CoronaOutbreak
Lol #dogsoftwitter
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man