Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of knot_eye's best tweets

@knot_eye : If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber...
Pick cool pickle.

@knot_eye: *on the phone*

Me: I'd like to order a 12" cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That'll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: ...

@knot_eye: *hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@knot_eye: 'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

@knot_eye: A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

@knot_eye: Podiatrists don't use metric.

They only deal with feet.

@knot_eye: [sees woman reading]

"Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz."

@knot_eye: [ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y--G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A--G-U-E-S-S

@knot_eye: I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn't.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don't own a dog.

@knot_eye: [at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi...

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: ...Twinkies.