Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@knot_eye : If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber...
Pick cool pickle.
@knot_eye: *on the phone*
Me: I'd like to order a 12" cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That'll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
@knot_eye: *hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
@knot_eye: 'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
@knot_eye: A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
@knot_eye: Podiatrists don't use metric.
They only deal with feet.
@knot_eye: [sees woman reading]
"Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz."
@knot_eye: [ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
What the!? A cheesy board!?
@knot_eye: I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn't.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don't own a dog.
@knot_eye: [at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi...
Me: *jumps out window*