@knot_eye

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

@knot_eye

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

@knot_eye

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@knot_eye

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

@knot_eye

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

@knot_eye

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

@knot_eye

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.