If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.


*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …


*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]


‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.


Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.


[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”


[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*

What the!? A cheesy board!?



I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.


[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.