@knot_eye

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

@knot_eye

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

@knot_eye

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

@knot_eye

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

@knot_eye

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

@knot_eye

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

@knot_eye

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

@knot_eye

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?