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Page of knot_eye's best tweets

@knot_eye : Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

@knot_eye: Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

@knot_eye: Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn't stop her.

@knot_eye: I always use a short cut when I'm going to knife fight a midget.

@knot_eye: I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

@knot_eye: Why isn't a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

@knot_eye: Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

@knot_eye: "Once we come down off this wall we'll be on the lam. That means we're fugitives, laying low, on the run..."

- condescending con descending

@knot_eye: "Well ... I'll be dammed."

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

@knot_eye: Even though she's not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.