cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
This kid is going places
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.